A Word About Mixed Signals

I think we have established the fact that I am NOT a dating professional. I haven't been doing it for long. Nor do I hope to. But I think there are a few things that should be standard throughout dating.  Men don't seem to understand the signals they send, and that women are capable of reading them. It's instinctual; we are born with the inane ability to read between the lines of all your actions.  So...

1. If you don't pay the first time we go out, we do not think you are at all interested.  If you had any class whatsoever, or any interest, I should say, you would pay for the first date.  Women dig that!  Go figure, we think it's a romantic gesture.  So if you want a second date (or second base) then pay, darn it.

2.  There is nothing worse than talking to a guy on the phone, or even texting him, and then meeting him and seeing he is completely nonchalant.  Would it kill you to act interested?  Guys try too hard to play it cool, but I cannot understand why.  You think I am going to want to hang out with you some more if you act like I am the LAST person you want to be with? I've said it before, and I will say it again: Act interested! One guy... we had gotten to talking. A LOT.  Yes, I met him on a dating site, so nost of our "talking" was done through emails. But we also talked on the phone, and I was pretty psyched to meet the guy. When I finally do... Jesus, it was like pulling teeth to get this dude to even talk to me.  Seriously, his answer to everything was, "Whatever."  Wow, that's hot. You have no mind.  I thought it was a total waste of my time.  Fifteen minutes after the date ended, I got a text saying he had a great time and looked forward to it again. Well, not me, brother.  Move on.

3.  Women like to talk.  I don't mean anything sideways about that, we simply like to talk, whether it's about our day, our job, whatever.  You don't have to care about what we say, just pay some attention to it.  Let us open up to you.  It seems as if when men open up to women, the heavens smile down upon Earth and the human race can live happily ever after.  But if a woman does it, it's just plain annoying.  The fact that we are making oursevles, our emotions, our hearts vulnerable to you should say a lot. So have some respect, indulge us, listen to us.  You are not the only one in the world who gets to have a bad day.

4.  If you have nothing to talk about except other women... again, we don't think you are interested. You are simply reminding us that we have competition. And we are probably not in the running.  We don't want to be one OF a million, we want to be one IN a million.  So don't expect a second date if you are going to go on about the other women listed in your little black book.

5. Speaking of little black books, if you ask us about ours, we think you're sleaxy.  Don't do it, at least not yet.

Enough of my ramblings.  If anyone has any insight into male behavior, let me know. Please.

  

Fiasco Numero Uno

On television and in movies, single women seem to pick up men everywhere they go.  It's that simple: you go out in public, you pick up a hot date for that evening. The first hump, aside from having absolutely no resemblance to any hot celebrities, I had to get over was looking single.  I had to send out that vibe to potential picker-uppers.  Well, FAIL.  I have two children.  So I needed a back-up plan, and that plan was to make eye contact and smile. I am embarrassed to admit that I was not able to initiate such common human interaction. With a man. What was I, 12?  So the first time a guy made a move, in line at the grocery store with his two kids, I was wildly surprised.  We exchanged phone numbers; we talked and texted. I felt like such a grown up.

So then came the first time we met up, just the two of us.  We decided on a cup of coffee near where I work. Starbucks allows for privacy while not allowing him to attempt to kill me (a girl can't be too safe these days).  Apparently, in the flurry of excitement over being hit on while I shopping, I failed to notice a pretty significant detail about said fellow: he was short.  As in, several inches shorter than my 5'9" frame. 

I must digress here and note that I am not shallow.  Looks are not the most important thing in the world to me, although I do appreciate a man of mild attractiveness.  But I simply cannot envision myself walking down the aisle with a man shorter than myself.  It just isn't happening, my friends.

And so I find myself face to face (well, face to chest) with a man whose head I can cleanly look over. But what am I going to do, say no thanks and leave him at Starbucks?  Heavens no!  I am a nicer person than that, and you never know when you can find a new friend. So we sit down to chat and wait for our coffee. To make a boring story less boring, I'll cut to the chase.  Said Short Man was pretty much everything I did not want in a man, so I actually felt better about him being short, as I could  now justifiy not wanting to see him again.  Thanks for the coffee.  Yes, it was nice meeting you.  Oh, no, I don't think coming over to your place to "get to know you better" (said with a disgusting wink) is going to happen tonight. Or ever. 

Next!

Lesson #1: People Lie

Maybe not lie... but some people have a very distorted image of themselves, and it is absolutely terrifying.  A beer gut is not an "average body type".  5'7" is not 5'9".  Simply wanting a friend with benefits is not, contrary to popular belief, the same thing as looking for that special someone.  So, as an online dater, I am having to learn that people will, gulp, lie to make themselves look better, or taller, than they really are. 

Maybe I am a huge nerd, but I put a lot of effort into looking within myself to be able to accurately portray and represent myself to others.  And I thought I did a damn good job, if I do say so myself.  I used complete sentences and correct grammar as well, so as to show my level of intellect.  I posted a current and appropriate picture of myself.  I was very thorough with my likes and dislikes.  Simple concept.  You want someone to like you for you.  So why the crap?  (Feel free to check out my match.com profile; please tell me what I did wrong! JessicaOV429.) 

My matches were... well, some were great, and I saw some potential even on the computer screen.  But for the most part, I was very disappointed.  It's all in the profile details!  Please... if you are going to go the same route as I did (whether on an established site or something as sleazy as craigslist), follow these simple guidelines...

• First of all, do not take the used car salesman approach to making yourself seem date-worthy.  Talking about how wonderful you are will simply make your reader turn the page and go on to the next match.  Share your good qualities, of course.  But don't overdo it... Buying a girl flowers one time because you forgot her birthday doesn't make you a hopeless romantic.
• Please avoid run on sentences with little or no puncuation.  Use capital letters at appropriate times--never in the middle of a sentence, always at the beginning of a sentence.  A majority of people cannot and will not read a paragraph that looks like it was posted by a teenaged girl who doesn't stop to take a breath when she talks.
• It's a good idea to be honest in what you are looking for, and you owe it yourself to have high standards.  But you are on a dating website.  You will not find Scarlet Johansson's look alike.  (And ladies, Brad Pitt's twin is probably taken and isn't shopping on a website.) Perfection does not exist.  Expect that.  I actually saw a guy whose headline was, "No fat chix... stop winking at me."  You're on match.com, buddy. 
• Avoid using anger tactics to get that special someone.  "I am so sick of games and drama," or, "I hate cheaters and liars!" are lame declarations to make.  No one likes games, drama, cheaters, or liars, and it makes you look desperate.  Don't state the obvious in such a fashion.  These types of comments automatically make me wonder, "Okay, so what did they do to deserve it?"
• No one under the age of 25 should be using internet services for dates.  Go out to a bar, hit on the girl next to you in your English class, but do not sell yourself on a website.  Do it in person, get rejected like the rest of the adults in the world had to do; it'll help build character.